


Crushes

by theaandmelitta



Category: Spring Awakening - Sheik/Sater
Genre: Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, F/F, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Lesbian Character, basically spring awakening from anna's perspective + themes of lesbianism, it's sad sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-05
Updated: 2018-06-05
Packaged: 2019-05-18 17:04:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14856722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theaandmelitta/pseuds/theaandmelitta
Summary: “We all know who Thea longs to marry!” Wendla teases, and Thea smiles, unashamed.“Melchior Gabor!” Martha exclaims.“And who doesn’t?” Thea asserts, her smile growing.“He is rather handsome,” Anna adds without even thinking, and she almost believes it. She wants to believe it, but something about the statement feels wrong to her. She guesses Melchior just isn’t the boy for her, but she might as well go along with it.-Anna grapples with life, loss, and crushes





	Crushes

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this in December of 2016 and just now decided to finish it. Do with that information what you will.

Laughter rings out across the meadow as four girls play and tease one another, enjoying the warm weather while it lasts. Anna turns her face to the sun, basking in its glow and the warmth of her friends’ presence.

They’ve been out of the house for maybe half an hour when the conversation turns gossipy, as conversations among the girls often do. Wendla tells her friends how her mama doesn’t think Greta Brandenburg’s fiancé is “proper” for her to marry and, therefore, won’t allow Wendla to go to the wedding. Anna thinks that’s stupid. Sure, the forest inspector isn’t quite as pretty as Greta, but they’re quite in love, and Anna firmly believes that “proper” means very little when put up against true love. 

From there, of course they find themselves talking about boys. Anna’s friends love boys; it’s all they seem to want to talk about these days. She doesn’t quite get it, seeing as boys seem just as annoying and dull as they always have, but Anna’s sure that someday, she’ll find a boy she loves just as much as the ones her friends love to talk about.

“We all know who Thea longs to marry!” Wendla teases, and Thea smiles, unashamed.

“Melchior Gabor!” Martha exclaims.

“And who doesn’t?” Thea asserts, her smile growing. 

“He is rather handsome,” Anna adds without even thinking, and she almost believes it. She wants to believe it, but something about the statement feels wrong to her. She guesses Melchior just isn’t the boy for her, but she might as well go along with it.

“So wonderful,” Wendla agrees dreamily, and suddenly Anna feels better about her own comment. If Wendla agrees, It must be true, right? Anna’s always found Wendla so warm and intriguing, and anything that makes her smile like that must truly be special.

The conversation flows on even though Anna really doesn’t care that much about Melchior Gabor and how he doesn’t go to church. She rattles off some subjects that he’s good in, which seems to impress Martha and Wendla, but really she’s just repeating things Thea’s already told her. With the number of times Thea’s gushed to her about Melchior, Anna’s learned how to pretend to be interested.

When they start comparing how wonderful it is for each of them to fancy a boy, Anna tries but she can’t seem to imagine up a perfect boy, real or otherwise. The only perfect person she knows is Wendla, so when it’s her turn to share she just replaces “she” with “he” and “Wendla” with “Melchior.”

*

Sometimes, Anna wonders what it would be like to kiss a girl. She wonders what it would be like to kiss Wendla.

She knows it’s supposedly wrong and the church sermons love to warn of the sin of homosexuality, but it simply doesn’t make sense. They say the devil tries to draw you in with promises of wonderful things, but how could anything about someone as gentle and soft and beautiful as Wendla be sinful? Wendla is something comforting, not something risqué. Anna simply doesn’t understand.

In a moment of self-indulgence, she imagines it and it makes her feel warm from her head to her feet. It doesn’t feel wrong. In fact, it feels far more comforting than all the times she’s tried to make herself imagine herself kissing Otto or Georg or another boy picked at random.

The next time she sees Wendla, she blushes so hard she’s sure Wendla can see.

 *

“You have such pretty hair, Anna.” 

Anna tries not to blush as Wendla continues twisting her hair into an intricate braid. She’s not that good at it, but Anna would never dare tell her. It’s always too loose and ends up coming undone quickly, but she always looks so proud when she finishes it.

“Not as pretty as yours,” Anna replies, smiling out at the field they sit in. It’s early autumn now, so it’s a little chilly, but the sun is out today and it’s a fine day overall. A little ways away, Martha lies on the grass, staring up at the clouds and Thea makes her way up a tree, bare feet balancing expertly on the branches.

“Aw, thank you!” Wendla replies as she ties the braid off with a ribbon. She grins, plopping down on the grass beside Anna. She can already feel the braid undoing itself, but she’s willing to let it be since Wendla likes it so much.

They sit in comfortable silence for a while, watching the leaves blow in the wind. Anna doesn’t like this time of year too much; soon all the leaves will be gone from the trees and their afternoons spent plucking flowers and running around in fields will be replaced with ones spent inside. Her time with her friends, especially Wendla, is usually the hilight of Anna’s day. She doesn’t want to say goodbye to that, if even only until the next spring.

Eventually, Wendla nudges Anna’s shoulder, drawing her out of her quiet mourning for the summertime.

“You’ll never guess who I saw yesterday.”

“Really? Who?” Anna asks teasingly with a nudge right back.

“Melchior Gabor.”

“Aw, Thea’s true love,” Anna sighs slightly mockingly. Wendla giggles at it and the sound makes Anna’s stomach feel as if it’s full of butterflies.

“Yes, Thea’s true love,” Wendla replies. “We sat and talked for what felt like ages. He has such good ideas, you know? We agreed about everything, and then he walked me home like a proper gentleman. I can understand why Thea likes him so much.” 

Now Anna’s stomach feels more like it’s full of rocks than butterflies. She doesn’t understand why she has to get so jealous of Melchior. It’s not like she wants Wendla to fall in love with her instead. It’s just that he takes up so much of her friends’ time and thoughts and love these days. She might just be so selfish to feel left behind in the wake of all the boy talk. 

“He is quite handsome,” Anna replies, hoping that the pause she took to find what to say doesn’t betray her thoughts. She would never want her friends to know she’s bothered by the crushes that make them so happy.

Wendla laughs again, and the butterflies in Anna’s stomach don’t know how to feel. “That’s what you said about Melchior last time, Anna.”

Anna flushes with embarrassment. Now Wendla will realize she’s not really that interested in Melchior. The thought of Wendla knowing how immature Anna really is for not liking boys yet mortifies her. She wants Wendla to think she’s sophisticated and smart, not a silly little girl who doesn’t even have crushes yet.

“He’s just that handsome,” Anna stutters out, hoping it’s convincing enough.

Turns out it is. Wendla goes back to ranting about how wonderful and intelligent and kind Melchior is, and Anna almost wishes she’d picked up on her apprehension so they could talk about something other than Melchior, Melchior, Melchior. 

* 

It’s winter when Moritz dies. 

When Anna’s mother tells her of the news, she doesn’t miss the disapproving look on her face and the annoyed tone in her voice when she says, “It’s a pity that boy was so selfish. Didn’t even think of the repercussions for his father, did he?”

Because of this, Anna holds her tears in until that evening. She retires to her room earlier than usual and collapses onto her bed. She sobs for hours, devastated over the death of a boy she barely knew. She’s furious with herself, with every single person in town for not trying harder to help Moritz. She’s terrified of the things that drove him to kill himself, because if they could get one person, they could surely get another.

Eventually, she wears herself out enough to make her want to fall asleep. She hasn’t seen her friends much lately with the weather being too cold to go out, and she falls asleep praying that they’re okay.

*

Winter takes a break from being its tremendous, freezing self, and Anna and Thea grab the opportunity to get outside for some fresh air. They try to get Wendla and Martha to join them, but their parents forbid them, saying the weather will make them ill. Frankly, Anna doesn’t care if she gets a bit ill, as long as she can get out of the house for a bit.

They’ve been out for an hour or so, having discovered the lake by the church isn’t frozen over and deciding to skip rocks on it. Anna wishes Wendla were here; she’s the best at skipping rocks. She’s the best at a lot of things. 

There’s a lull in the conversation when Thea speaks up to say, “I feel so bad for Melchior.”

“How so?” Anna asks, tossing another rock into the water. It’s meant to skip, but Greta was a lousy teacher and nobody else has ever bothered trying to teach Anna the mechanics of rock-skipping. The rocks in Anna’s hands feel cold, too cold to hold comfortably for long.

Thea makes a face. “He’s just been sent away to a reformatory, Anna! And after being expelled!”

That makes Anna stop, fists balled around freezing rocks in anger. How could Thea say that? Melchior at least got _himself_ into trouble! She’s never heard a single sympathetic word from Thea in regards to the boy found dead and alone in the woods. It’s true that Thea was never too fond of Moritz, but God, doesn’t he deserve more pity than that self-righteous Melchior? If this is how one behaves when she’s so desperately infatuated with a boy, Anna doesn’t want anything to do with them. Everything’s Melchior this, Melchior that. Anna feels like she’s the only person who can see the world falling apart around them.

But Anna is kind and reserved and good. She doesn’t start arguments like Thea or tempt fate like Martha or talk in wild hypotheticals like Wendla. She’s Anna and she’s supportive and she’s good, so she simply replies, “You’re right. I feel sorry for him too.”

Thea seems satisfied with her response, and their conversation drops off again.

Anna throws another rock at the water, earning herself a single, dull thud. 

* 

The unimaginable happens.

Anna doesn’t know if she can really hold so much fury or grief or fear in her body, she worries she might explode. 

*

Four girls gather on the edge of town, heads bent around a handwritten letter. Melchior’s on his way back, back to town, back to Wendla.

He’s too late.

“Poor Melchior,” Thea says solemnly, and Anna’s had enough.

“Poor Wendla!” she corrects and this time, she doesn’t hesitate. Thea doesn’t understand, she just doesn’t understand what they’ve lost, what they had, how much sadder and duller the wold is without Wendla Bergmann. She doesn’t understand, but Anna thinks she’s starting to.

She loved Wendla.

Anna loved her and now she’s gone forever, snatched away as collateral for someone else’s mistakes. She’s gone and the world is bad, the same world that would drown Moritz in his own sadness, abuse Martha and Ilse, and put out the brightest light in the world without a hint of remorse. Anna thinks maybe if the world were better, she would have realized she’d loved Wendla while she still had a chance to tell her.

When Anna goes home that evening, she doesn’t hide her grief. It lasts for days, weeks, months. She mourns the lives of her friends, the faith in the world that she used to have, the warm laughs in the meadows that won’t return with the spring. Ilse never returns from Priapia. Thea never really understands. Anna is left alone in her grief.

Somewhere in all that sorrow and hatred, however, Anna realizes something. She realizes her love for Wendla was good, not sinful like the church warned and it certainly wasn’t something Anna chose. She realizes that maybe that’s just how she loves, and maybe that’s okay.

Eventually, Martha will join her in her grief, and the world will begin to look a bit brighter again.

Eventually, Anna will know what it’s like to kiss a girl, even warmer and more comforting and _right_ than she’d imagined. She will resolve never to kiss a boy if she can help it. She’ll realize the church lied.

By the time she’s grown up, Anna will know what it’s like to fall in love again, what it’s like to fall into good, requited love, completely unashamed of herself. It won’t be “proper,” but that’s not important in the face of real love. She’ll start to know what it’s like to be happy again.

Anna will be happy.

But she will never forget Wendla, her first love who was never really hers in the first place.

**Author's Note:**

> Come yell with me about these kiddos (hopefully being happier than they are here) on Tumblr @thea-and-melitta! Thanks for reading!


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